These last few days have been a complete hurricane in my head. From waiting for my passport to be given back with a visa so I can finally return to the US and visit my friends and family, to having our research project completely on standby until we resubmit our proposal. These and other random smaller things, whose answer I require to plan my near future, are left unclear and I am suspended in limbo between waiting for clarity and wanting to make plans to ease my already overly active brain.
Ripple effect into a life crisis brought on by a long work meeting clarifying uncertainties I did not want to face. I am left unmotivated, yet full of ambition and desire to do everything I can not do at the moment so what to do?
Do I go take advice from my tantrum throwing childish twin, to school and learn an institutionalized fashion degree from one of the best schools in Belgium for dirt cheap compared to the states and say goodbye to normal life and any lead on an almost full time salary for the next four years? Maybe regret it halfway, learn a few things about fashion history, making educated decisions for the future of my fashion career and sell my soul to the institutional devil himself only to come out and go back to what I had already started without going to school?
Do I say fuck it, I wing it and continue making clothes and projects in my tiny studio just for the fuck of it with only my own artistic direction and no clear plan on how these things will be shown or sold or viewed or even stored? Try to create a curriculum for learning on my own, as has been the case, take probably twice as long, but not give up my normal life, but also not get anywhere near a full time salary?
Do I focus on my business plan instead? and take a short but intense course in business to help me boost my project and step further faster in a country I just stepped foot in for the first time ever, about 6 years ago? Learn the ropes of small businesses, in textiles, with a keen desire to produce on a small scale and with an ecological constraint? (not to mention seeing left and right, that alone, this is a nearly impossible task)
Do I get a mindless job, full time, live my expensive lifestyle, forget about my passion(s) and take them on as hobbies regretting I never did anything with my art career? (#forgetaboutitnevergunnahappenbutheyIhavetoputitoutthere)
I’ve started my research for school. I’ll be patient and wait for the responses that are holding me back. I’ll focus on my business plan to see if I can get a grant with the clear idea I have been developing for the last couple of years. I’ll continue to work on my artwork and begin creating wearable art. I’ll stop letting my mushy brain to get fogged by all of the fantastical options this bullshit society throws at me. Being realistic has never been my forte. Learning how to dominating my anxiety on the other hand, has always done the trick for me.
What does this even mean?
This simply means my brain is in a fuddle because Saturn just entered Pisces, and will stay there for 3 years. Which surely means something to someone. I’m just looking for something to blame for all the uncertainty I am feeling along with the obnoxious and probably incorrect length and syntax of this thought.
You’re welcome.
-end rant